she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
