and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
