You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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