My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
