foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
