Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
