Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
