be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
