Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
