while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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