I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
