I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize