if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bondingš
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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