so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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