Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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