Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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