I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
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