the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize