Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
