Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
