It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
