Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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