We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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