Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
