not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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