i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
