a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize