Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
