Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
my liver is dry heaving
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
