Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
