I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
