I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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