i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
