Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
