im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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