how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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