If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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