I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
