I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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