I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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