I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
i need some magic done to my vagina
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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