Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize