I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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