I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
