Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize