You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
