Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
