First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
