I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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