question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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