I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You were trust falling into bushes
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
