i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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