P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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