mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
