I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
