we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
