I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
