So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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