If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
