we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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